Monday, August 20, 2012

Moms who regret circumcising

Many of us speak out about things that are important to us but how many of us are brave enough to speak out about a mistake we made?  This is one of the most powerful ways to create change in my opinion, but it's unfortunately rare because most humans (myself included :)) are psychologically hard-wired to not enjoy admitting they are wrong.  And therein lies one of the many challenges in stopping the practice of routine infant circumcision in the United States.  Most people that have circumcised their sons are not particularly interested in considering the fact that they might have made a mistake.  After all, it's done now, they can't take it back, why should they make themselves uncomfortable by considering the fact that they as a parent signed off on something that did real harm to their child?  And so most of these parents go out of their way not to think about circumcision.  They trivialize the procedure, mocking those that make a "big deal" out of it.  Others advocate circumcision to pregnant family members and friends so that they can feel more secure about what they've already done to their child.  After all, if their friend/relative doesn't circumcise his/her child that's going to force them to think about what they've done and then they'll feel uncomfortable.  It's frightening the lengths people will go to just to avoid facing the horror of what they've done to their own child.  These people are perpetuating a violent cycle just so they can avoid taking responsibility for their part in it.

But this post is not about those people.  It is about the people that are really truly special and unique.  The people who are brave enough to unflinchingly face a horrible mistake they made with their child and then speak out about it no matter how much much pain it may cause them to think and talk about it.  When I talk to people about circumcision I use a variety of different methods depending on the parent and how well I know them, but none of the methods I use are as powerful as a loving mother standing up and saying, "I circumcised my son.  I regret it every day and this is why."  There is no mother that can ignore such a statement.  She may argue but she cannot ignore.

Mothers who speak out about circumcision regret not only save future sons, they do honor to their own sons and men like me who are survivors of circumcision.  They validate how what we have gone through is wrong and they give us, all of us, the apology we always deserved and never got.  I didn't have the best experience when I tried to talk to my mother about circumcision.  (I'll save the gory details for another post.)  I actually felt worse for a while after talking to her about it, but every time I hear Jenny Vaughn or Marilyn Milos or any of these other brave moms speak up about how they wish they had not circumcised their sons it helps me heal.  When I hear about the heartfelt apologies they offered their children it makes me feel better.  When I hear about the work they do for Intactivism it gives me hope.  They are the people who pave the way for others to feel safe enough and brave enough to speak out against circumcision.  And they do this horrifically difficult thing simply because it is the right thing to do.

I feel honored to work alongside these women as an Intactivist and call some of them my friends.  They have helped me in my personal healing, in becoming an Intactivist, and in my journey as a parent.  Thanks in part to them I've come to accept that ALL of us make mistakes as parents and, thankfully, our children recover just fine from most of them.  The key is what you do about the mistake.  If you deny it to protect yourself the hurt to the child is increased exponentially.  If you admit it and apologize the child receives the validation he needs to heal and to realize that even the most devoted mothers and fathers make mistakes.  Circumcision is a mistake that the US has been lying to itself about for decades.  It's time more people were brave enough to face it head on and call circumcision out for what it is: violence against children.  It cannot be cloaked in religion and imagined medical benefits.  It is ALWAYS violence, pure and simple.   









14 comments:

  1. Great post. It takes tremendous courage for any parent to admit, and face the impending grief, that we harmed our OWN children. Have you ever seen this thread? http://www.mothering.com/community/t/112410/if-you-regret-circumcising-your-son-s-please-post-here/620

    It's literally 35 pages of mothers expressing their regret over circumcision. Just reading the stories literally makes my heart ache, and my son is intact. I couldn't even fathom the pain, grief and utter broken hearts these mamas have, upon learning the truth too late.

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    1. These posts were difficult to read but each one is so important and, in the end, inspiring. I am so amazed that these women persevere at being the best mothers they can be despite the pain circumcision has inflicted upon their families. The selflessness that marks motherhood comes through in their heartfelt writing. I would like to think I would have their strength if I was in their shoes but I'm not sure I would. Thanks for sharing; I'm adding the link to my info list.

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  2. The psychological journey of finding out too late that circumcising our first two sons was wrong & harmful, was the most difficult thing I have ever experienced. Only by sharing information will we save some families from the same trauma, ease some of our own guilt, and make amends to our kids (& their fathers)who have been cut.
    And of course, speaking up about my regret will protect more babies from genital cutting (including my 3rd son.)Every person deserves the right to be left intact. Thank you for this post Jeff, you are a brave man to discuss circumcision with honesty. I am proud that you are my friend.

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    1. Jenny, I'm so sorry you and your family were hurt by circumcision. You are such a loving mother and effective intactivist. Your writing has helped so many, including me! Out of all the reading I did about circumcision before Sullivan was born it was your story that had the most impact on me. Your kids are lucky to have you as their mom and I am equally lucky to call you my friend.

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  3. New blog about circumcision in Dominican Reoublic : http://circuncision-dominicana-latino.blogspot.fr

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  4. Fantastic blog. Maximo Brito and others that are trying to use false data and fearmongering to spread circumcision in Latin America WILL be stopped with the help of voices like yours.

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  5. but i heard there is a penis device tht streches the cock skin and after like a few weeks or a month u r back to an uncut cock which ur mom and dad took from u

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    1. Foreskin restoration is an option that many men, including myself, find it helpful to pursue. While I can't speak for everyone I think it's safe to say that for most people the restoration process takes a lot longer than a month. Restoration can restore sensitivity, heighten sexual pleasure, and help the man reclaim part of his body. That said I believe that no child should have to "restore" a part of his body that was his to begin with.

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    2. Restoration is sometimes possible, but it's not perfect...it just stretches the skin to cover the glans. It can't regrow the thousands of nerve endings that were removed when the natural foreskin was amputated.

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    3. Exactly. Restoration can make the glans a lot more sensitive and thus make sex a lot more pleasurable however there are parts of the foreskin that can't be restored once removed. The foreskin is so much more than "just a flap of skin."

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  6. I circumcised our first child. I did not understand what I was taking away from him. Now, I understand that I took more than 20,000 nerve endings from the end of his penis, that he cannot get back. I took a chance that he could have been one of over the 117 babies that die from this each year. I have increased his risk of having erectile dysfunction. I have taken his wife's right to have a say in how his penis looks and functions. I increased his risk of adhensions, that could make sex painful. I really did not know. I just knew that everyone was telling me it was best for him. Now, I understand that not a single health organization in the world recommends this and I violated his rights and I regret it. I am so grateful for my acquaintance in a group called Birth Without Fear, who gently and lovingly provided links that were factual and not full of name calling. That is what changed my mind. It is true. The more you know about non-therapeutic circumcision of infants, the more you hate it.

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    1. I really appreciate your bravery and honesty in posting this. Circumcision has only persisted for as long as it has because of 1) the money it makes for doctors and 2) parents who have circumcised their sons trying to convince themselves and everyone else why it was the right thing to do. It takes a really strong parent to step back and say, "wow, that was the wrong thing to do for my kid." Many who do find that speaking out to prevent similar hurt for others provides some comfort. Rest assured, someday circumcision will no longer be an option parents can make the mistake of choosing.

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  7. I circumcised my first son and then, 10 years later, I blogged about it.. :( I can never take it back, but maybe my pain and his can spare other mothers and their sons. http://chooseyourbirth.wordpress.com/2013/03/17/whole-or-circumcised-does-it-really-matter/

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    1. You wrote quite eloquently about this difficult experience and I greatly appreciate you sharing it here. Circumcision will thrive as long as people are afraid or ashamed to talk about it. People need to hear from men who are not happy they were circumcised (like yours truly) and mothers and fathers who regret having their children circumcised. Doctors never seem to inform their patients of these potential outcomes to this all too permanent procedure.

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