Monday, September 5, 2011

Top Ten Reasons Why Foreskin is Great

Ok full disclosure I do NOT have a foreskin. Mine was hacked off without my consent by some asshole I'd like to have five minutes in a room alone with. However I have gleaned the following reasons from research, discussion, and partial restoration of my own circumcised penis. We'll do this Letterman style and count down ten to one:

10. Having foreskin somehow allows/encourages your penis to emit lubricant during intercourse. Feel free to comment if you know exactly how this works and can explain why I NEVER experienced this during however many years of sex as a circumcised man, yet within the first year of restoring my foreskin I produce the stuff like crazy. I don't think I need to go on here about the benefits of lubricant. If I do then honestly this is probably not the blog for you. Might I refer you to Celibate Singles Are Us?
Oh ok I'll go on about it. Creating your own lubricant means:
more slippery, sensuous sex for you and your partner
no messy, expensive astroglide or KY
Even single guys can enjoy not having to use lubricant when, you know, they have that urge. (My buddy in France thinks it's pretty bizarre that most circumcised US males require some kind of lubricant to masturbate.)

9. Foreskin protects your glans and keeps it sensitive and responsive meaning better sex. I defy anyone to find an intact guy who gets circumcised and says the sex is better after. Without your foreskin your glans has about as much sensation as your elbow.

8. Foreskins don't look all bloody and gory and purple when you change baby's diaper. They look surprisingly, well, normal. Through the first 10 or so diaper changes of my son back in the day I kept going, "Oh yeah, that's what I'm supposed to look like."

7. Foreskins don't require all kinds of weird special care like a newly circumcised penis does. You just leave them alone. (Even if your brainless circumcised pediatrician tells you otherwise.)

6. Foreskins can help with potty training (maybe.) Only saying this because when my son was potty learning he would pinch his foreskin shut as he ran upstairs to the potty. It appeared to help him with "holding it."

5. Speaking of potty learning... I don't have any stats on this but I'm guessing intact kids are easier to potty learn than circumcised ones. Reason being this: To survive the trauma of circumcision baby boys have got to subconsciously insulate themselves from thinking about what's happened to their penis. Then all of a sudden mom and dad expect them to pee in the potty. Baby is thinking, "Damn, I spent the first 12 months trying not to even think about that thing when it was all purple and bloody (see above) and now you want me to do what!?!?! Can we just leave it in my frikkin' diaper? I'm worried you're going to cut some more off."

4. Foreskins are ALL the rage right now. EVERYONE that's anyone has one: Colin Farrell, Russell Crowe, your dog, just to name a few.

3. If foreskin cells are so valuable for skin cream, just imagine what what they can do for your penis if they stay where they're intended.

2. Lots of women like foreskin and the more sensual sex that accompanies it. I'm sure there's plenty of men out there that like it too. The point it is you don't amputate part of your child's body in order to help him better resemble your own culturally-derived idea of what's sexually attractive. I mean what's next? Nose and boob jobs for 12 year-olds?

1. Honestly talking about why foreskin is great is akin to trying to explain why eyelids are great. Um, you're born with it thus just like the rest of your body IT'S GREAT and it's there for a reason.